Sex & Politics: Be Safe, Not Sorry

Well it seems that the politicos are finally getting a sense of humor with the distribution of Obama and McCain condoms. The description of the Obama Condoms is just too funny, and somewhat obscene:

These are uncertain times. The economy’s a ball-buster and the surge went flaccid… but now there’s Obama Condoms, for a change you can believe in!

* FOR THE ELITIST PENIS
* THEY WON’T LEAVE A BITTER TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH
* WHEN YOU JUST WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL

But my questions is - what would have happened if Hillary Clinton had been the Democratic nominee?

WHO SAYS SEX AND POLITICS DON’T MIX?

Practice Safe Policy launches Obama Condoms and McCain Condoms

New York, NY, June 9, 2008 – Practice Safe Policy, the nation’s first brand devoted to showcasing the indecent relations between politics and sex, has launched its collection of intimate yet topical novelty products with OBAMA CONDOMS and MCCAIN CONDOMS.

Now that the people have voted, the lusty patriots at Practice Safe Policy decided that it was time for the people of this great nation to forget about minor concerns like the war, the economy or healthcare and instead focus on the truly important issue of the day: Practicing Safe Policy in the bedroom. OBAMA CONDOMS and MCCAIN CONDOMS were designed so Americans could take their favorite candidates out of the living room and into the bedroom…where the real game of politics is played.

“Our intention is to expose the unspoken, steamy connection between getting elected and getting laid,” said Benjamin Sherman, Vice President of Marketing. “But we also wanted to remind the voters, both young and old, to Practice Safe Policy. What better time to do this than during the most stimulating election we’ve ever seen?”

Practicing Safe Policy has never been easier with MCCAIN CONDOMS which are veteran approved and OBAMA CONDOMS which are Oprah-approved*. Cindy from Arizona says, “Thanks, McCain condoms! As soon as I got on the Straight Talk Express I got off.” and Bruce and Steve from San Francisco say, “MCCAIN CONDOMS are the next best thing to gay marriage!” Jeremiah from Chicago says, “Thanks to OBAMA CONDOMS, I’ve gotten so much tail I’ve stopped blaming America for everything!”

The Words “Pokéballs,” “Jigglypuff,” and “Squirtle” Are Ruined

By Pyecraft

Pokémon is supposed to represent an imaginary world of turn-based competitive combat… not an urban underworld of recklessly anonymous turn-based competitive sexplay.

Reports of a weekly underage Pokémon sex orgy phenomenon in Chile broke today. You couldn’t remove ANY of those keywords to make that sound any less terrible. This is one of the few cases where brand loyalty and retaining your key demographic are bad, bad things.

One paragraph sums it all up:

Rebels Without Cause

The teens call their public orgies ‘ponceo.’ On a typical Friday afternoon in the Chilean capital of Santiago, hundreds gather in a leafy urban park for a few hours of sexual experimentation. Surrounded by passing strollers, they trade partners multiple times—mostly engaging in anonymous rounds of oral sex. When the party is over, no contact information is exchanged. Same-gender interactions are commonplace, as the lines between hetero- and homosexuality are blurred, partly by the alcohol and drugs consumed, but also by shifting social mores held by Chilean youth, in contrast to their conservative parents. “Ponceo is about having fun,” says Natalia Fernandez, a 15-year-old with pink hair and a pierced chin. “This time I had seven partners.“

Seven? Come back when you mean business, Natalia. You’re the team’s weakest link.

[When questioned, Pikachu just held a silent, cold stare. Squirtle appeared to understand what we were saying, and became generally excitable]

A Deliquent’s Bill Of Rights

LiveScience just created a bill of rights for delinquents in their Top 10 Bad Things That are Good For You. The following is a hypothetical narrative based on the list, going from 10 to 1.

One Saturday afternoon,  a LiveScience writer drank too much beer, got angry and decided to have some coffee to sober up. But then someone popped him some LSD because they thought he was an alcoholic, which made him want to go wander around in the sunlight where he could see magical things. He stumbled upon a pile of maggots chomping on a dead rabbit in a patch of marijuana. So inspired by the natural elements, he went back home, smoked a doobie and remembered that he needed to get his daily dose of antioxidants, so he opened a bottle of red wine. But, since the wine didn’t resolve the munchies, he downed a pile of dark chocolate, which made him really horny and so he called up his girlfriend to have sex.

The End