Deep Thoughts

A few friends of mine got into some deep discussion last night about pet food, plastic bags, childhood soft addictions and condoms. We were sitting at Rhino Bar in Georgetown, a spot that is usually too preppy for my tastes, but turned out to have an edge to it I never suspected - beer specials, great chicken wings and free condoms.

Never before had I been to a bar that so openly distributed condoms as if they were peanuts. I actually thought it would be a great thing for every bar to offer up a condom with the bar tab, which could serve as an interesting twist on safe sex PSA’s.

But of course when you are served a few beers, an order of spicy wings and strawberry flavored Lifestyles, the conversation is going to get interesting:

“So, do you think that these condoms really taste like Strawberry? And if they do, who does the taste testing??”

This led to a few other amusing thoughts such as - is there a condom testing lab? If so, who gets to try them out? How do they decide on the flavoring? And how do they know that “Triple the Pleasure” really means, triple the pleasure.

After these musings, we started pondering other deep thoughts such as how to start a black market for plastic bags in the UK and how to taste test pet food.

We wondered:

Does anyone taste test pet food? How do they know it takes like salmon or tuna or chicken? Do they have special dogs that can let them know through a five paw point system whether or not it is good?

The conversations only got more hilarious when we got home and started discussing our childhood soft-addictions like Flintstone vitamins. I for one, overdosed on Iron when I was about five because I liked Betty’s flavor a little too much.

Budweiser Clams It Up

Yep that’s right - “the poor man’s Bloody Mary” as one consumer called it - has arrived in a slim 16 oz can. Move over malt liquor - Budweiser has created the Frankenstein of beers - the Chelada. It is a combination of clam juice, tomato juice, lime and beer. This ridiculous concoction received a D- from the Beer Advocate and the reviews are hilarious.

Some consumer reviews:

“Pours a pink grapefruit hazy body. Creepy. 1″ soapy white head fades fast to nothing. Lots of tiny stuff floating around in it, I don’t think it’s yeast.”

“Yuck. yuck. yuck. Over-ripened tomatoes, clam juice, and lime. Sickeningly smell. I’m afraid to find out what it tastes like.”

“This is without question the most foul thing I’ve ever put in my body, and my first (and hopefully only) “beer” that scores 1’s across the board.”

“16oz Can?? I am not sure what it was because I made the bartender pour it into a glass. The outside of the can should have some kind of HAZMAT symbol, I think.”

One point I found amusing is that in Chile, a beer is known as a “Chela.” I know this drink is aimed at Hispanics in the U.S. - someone discovered that their taste buds might embrace such a concoction - but I am still confused about where this term came from. While I have ordered plenty of chelas, I never ordered anything that looked, smelled or appeared to be a “Chelada.” Another marketing misnomer perhaps?

A Deliquent’s Bill Of Rights

LiveScience just created a bill of rights for delinquents in their Top 10 Bad Things That are Good For You. The following is a hypothetical narrative based on the list, going from 10 to 1.

One Saturday afternoon,  a LiveScience writer drank too much beer, got angry and decided to have some coffee to sober up. But then someone popped him some LSD because they thought he was an alcoholic, which made him want to go wander around in the sunlight where he could see magical things. He stumbled upon a pile of maggots chomping on a dead rabbit in a patch of marijuana. So inspired by the natural elements, he went back home, smoked a doobie and remembered that he needed to get his daily dose of antioxidants, so he opened a bottle of red wine. But, since the wine didn’t resolve the munchies, he downed a pile of dark chocolate, which made him really horny and so he called up his girlfriend to have sex.

The End