Corey Worthington Fights For His Right To Party

He’s baaackkk. Corey Worthington that is - the Audacious Aussie who threw the massive rager at his parent’s home back in January. Thanks to Sajalicious for pointing out the news of his single, “Fight for Your Right (to Party)” making headway into the music scene via Inthemix.

Instead of lighting fires at his parent’s home, the petulant S.O.B. is apparently trying to one-up the Beastie Boys with a cover of their 1986 song that defined my rebel-without-a-cause streak in middle school.

Unfortunately, the club mix sounds just like it is - a hungover Aussie kid doing Karaoke at his parents house. Not catchy enough for my tastes, I’ll stick to the original. And besides, three dudes in sunglasses is way better than one.

In other Worthing-tool news, it is speculated that he will make an appearance on Big Brother and has been offered a job as a party promoter. His single, already receiving criticism as a spin-off of a cult-classic, is available at www.youmenow.com as of Monday, May 5th.

It’s 3 AM….Do you know where Bill Clinton Is?

Thanks to my politically oriented friends for pointing out the absurdities in the new Hilary Clinton 3 AM ad. This ad is a follow up to the initial 3 AM ad released before the Texas primary where a terrorist threat was supposedly at hand. Terrorism at 3 AM is believable, albeit a little bit of fear mongering, but still believable. This time around I think that the Clinton campaign is trying a little too hard.

This is the first ad from the HRC campaign targeting the Republican Presidential nominee, John McCain, and it attempts to reveal that McCain is out of touch with the economy and tries to boost Hilary into the limelight as being “Ready on Day One.” The political maneuvering of the ad can be discussed at length as it serves not only as an attack against McCain, but Obama as well. If HRC is addressing the GOP front runner, then she is casting herself as the Democratic front runner. Well, sorry Hilary, you are still not going to be the front runner, not matter how you manipulate the delegate counts.

But enough political punditry, what we’re here to talk about today is the pure ridiculousness of a 3 AM phone call to anyone, in particular the POTUS.

1. Why would anyone call the White House at 3 AM about the economy? The stock markets don’t open till 6 AM and last time I checked, the White House was still located in Washington DC, not California.

2. If HRC really wanted to make a pointed attack on McCain she could have at least humored us:

• “It’s 3 PM…..John McCain is sleeping.”
• “It’s 3 AM…..John McCain is running for the bathroom due to overactive bladder problems.”
• “It’s 3 AM….Do you know where Bill Clinton is?”

3. Any married woman who has mascara on and a nice blow-dry at 3 AM is either a) receiving a drunk dial after coming home from the bars or b) about to do something she probably shouldn’t be.

4. It’s 3 AM. There is a big red phone sitting on my desk. Naturally, Putin calls.

5. It’s 3 AM. Barack Obama is calling. “Hilary, lets just forgive and forget about that vote for the war in Iraq….”

The Words “Pokéballs,” “Jigglypuff,” and “Squirtle” Are Ruined

By Pyecraft

Pokémon is supposed to represent an imaginary world of turn-based competitive combat… not an urban underworld of recklessly anonymous turn-based competitive sexplay.

Reports of a weekly underage Pokémon sex orgy phenomenon in Chile broke today. You couldn’t remove ANY of those keywords to make that sound any less terrible. This is one of the few cases where brand loyalty and retaining your key demographic are bad, bad things.

One paragraph sums it all up:

Rebels Without Cause

The teens call their public orgies ‘ponceo.’ On a typical Friday afternoon in the Chilean capital of Santiago, hundreds gather in a leafy urban park for a few hours of sexual experimentation. Surrounded by passing strollers, they trade partners multiple times—mostly engaging in anonymous rounds of oral sex. When the party is over, no contact information is exchanged. Same-gender interactions are commonplace, as the lines between hetero- and homosexuality are blurred, partly by the alcohol and drugs consumed, but also by shifting social mores held by Chilean youth, in contrast to their conservative parents. “Ponceo is about having fun,” says Natalia Fernandez, a 15-year-old with pink hair and a pierced chin. “This time I had seven partners.“

Seven? Come back when you mean business, Natalia. You’re the team’s weakest link.

[When questioned, Pikachu just held a silent, cold stare. Squirtle appeared to understand what we were saying, and became generally excitable]

Deep Thoughts

A few friends of mine got into some deep discussion last night about pet food, plastic bags, childhood soft addictions and condoms. We were sitting at Rhino Bar in Georgetown, a spot that is usually too preppy for my tastes, but turned out to have an edge to it I never suspected - beer specials, great chicken wings and free condoms.

Never before had I been to a bar that so openly distributed condoms as if they were peanuts. I actually thought it would be a great thing for every bar to offer up a condom with the bar tab, which could serve as an interesting twist on safe sex PSA’s.

But of course when you are served a few beers, an order of spicy wings and strawberry flavored Lifestyles, the conversation is going to get interesting:

“So, do you think that these condoms really taste like Strawberry? And if they do, who does the taste testing??”

This led to a few other amusing thoughts such as - is there a condom testing lab? If so, who gets to try them out? How do they decide on the flavoring? And how do they know that “Triple the Pleasure” really means, triple the pleasure.

After these musings, we started pondering other deep thoughts such as how to start a black market for plastic bags in the UK and how to taste test pet food.

We wondered:

Does anyone taste test pet food? How do they know it takes like salmon or tuna or chicken? Do they have special dogs that can let them know through a five paw point system whether or not it is good?

The conversations only got more hilarious when we got home and started discussing our childhood soft-addictions like Flintstone vitamins. I for one, overdosed on Iron when I was about five because I liked Betty’s flavor a little too much.

Don’t Change That Channel

In an amusing act of citizen violence, a drunken degenerate threatened to blow up a chemical store using his television remote control.

The man caused a state of emergency in Canberra, Australia as he waved his hands frantically around and made obscene remarks about his intentions with the volume button.

The Rueters story reports that the charade continued until the state police opened fire with rubber bullets.

It makes me wonder if there is something in the air in Australia these days.  From Corey Worthington’s riot of a party to this shenanigan - it seems that audacious Aussies are running a muck everywhere.

Perhaps Britain is still sending its criminals to the land down under?

Getting Sloppy At the SOTU

Well it’s that time of year again where President Bush comes off the ranch and performs his State of the Union Address. For eight years now we’ve been living through these speeches - GOP fear rhetoric, strange mispronunciations of common English words, thinly veiled attempts to make George Bush appear to be the reincarnate of John Wayne and the awkward vision of Dick Cheney sitting in the background looking as if he is about to take his last breath.

It is only logical that we naysayers employ a well-defined political strategy to undermine the true relevance of the SOTU: The SOTU drinking game.

Here are some responses off the 2007 SOTU Drinking Game Website, which included a rule of one tequila shot every time “illegal immigration” was mentioned:

“I couldn’t feel my face…that was the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.”

“[This game] is a danger… holy s**t. 5 beers in a half hour and I’m *behind*. BEHIND….Damn you!…*shakes fist*”

“25 minute into speech and slipping beneath tabl3, thanks for great game’.”

So get your game face on for Bush’s last SOTU next Monday on January 28th starting at 9 PM (Eastern). And be sure to send any absurdities that occur to absurdities80@gmail.com.

The rules for this year’s game will be posted at:

http://www.drinkinggame.us/

You can see 2007 rules here:

http://www.drinkinggame.us/sotudg2007.html

Sliding Doors

“I was riding the DC Metro home late one evening and sat across from a
young man and woman who were speaking to one another in hushed tones.
As they approached one of the far suburban stops, the young man got up
to leave and grabbed the woman’s hand. She followed him until the door
then let go of his hand and said “I’m not really sure.” He grabbed at
her hand and she took a step back into the train car. He pondered his
response for a second, during which the door closed. The train took
off and the young woman called a friend on her cell phone and told her
loudly and drunkenly she should have gone home with the young man
because “he was really cute.” I wasn’t sure who to feel more sorry for
and relocated to the other end of the train car and continued reading
a copy the New Yorker in relative silence.” - AH